I have neglected my blog for quite some time but I am back! I will now be including poetry book reviews and just thought bubble updates. I will also occasionally have some information about self-publishing that I’ve stumbled across on my journey. If you didn’t know, I am working on my first ever collection of poetry! My goal is to publish in early spring so be on the lookout for more book updates in the future.
If you have any suggestions for what you’d like to see me post about, do not hesitate to comment below!
Howdy! You’re going to notice that a lot of my poetry will suddenly disappear from my site, do not worry! I am preparing for my book (coming soon!) and will be removing the poems that are going in the book from my site. I will also be stripping my TeenInk as well. Thank you for understanding! I hope you are as excited about my book as I am!
So I recently did something new, I recited a spoken word at my school’s Coffee House. It’d mean the world to me if y’all could watch my video and maybe comment your thoughts! I’d love to hear what everyone thinks! Fading Generation
I never thought of myself as ‘fat’. Then in fourth grade the teacher sent home letters. And at the bottom of this letter there were the words ‘your child’s weight’ with three numbers in bold and below that was ‘average weight of a child this age’ with two numbers next to it. 116. Those three numbers haunted me for the rest of the year. And as I grew older, the numbers grew larger. And my self esteem dropped lower. The last three numbers I remember seeing were 182. That was two years ago. I know that that number is much larger now because I am much larger now. I tried to starve myself in 5th grade. A good friend of mine told my pregnant science teacher. She took me outside and asked me in her sweet voice “Why aren’t you eating” to which I responded “I’m not hungry”. She said “That’s not what your friends said” and I realized then that I had been deceived. And I had a hunch as to who my Judas was. “Because I’m fat” I told her. And she went on to tell me that I was beautiful and that I wasn’t fat. It seemed that for the rest of my life a whole bunch of skinny people would be telling me that i wasn’t fat and they’d be telling me exactly how to lose weight when they understood nothing. Another shining moment was when the girls at dance and I were trying on costumes. The costumes were cute but I looked like a ham stuffed into a sock. I kept quiet about it but the other girls were a bit more vociferous about their feelings. My dance teacher said “It’s the girls with the little pouches who don’t like it.” to which my other dance teacher said “Lay off the potatah chips! That’s it” that cut me deep. Because my doctor had said something similar. Something about me eating too many potato chips. And my thin friends always said I wasn’t fat or they were too skinny, as if them having “too much” of what I want would make me feel better. And I know that this is simply a shout into the void and my stupid words won’t be read by anyone but I am tired. I am tired of trying and I am tired of caring. I am tired of people telling me that I’m not fat when I clearly am. I am tired of looking in the mirror and wanting to barf because i look like crap.
Friends. I know you’re trying to help but stop. Stop lying to me. Stop trying to help me. Stop preaching to me about proper diet and exercise because I’ve heard it all before and it’s not that easy.
Thin people. Stop saying “I wish I could gain weight” when someone who’s clearly a wreck about their body says something.
Oh and fat people. Lay off the potato chips. Because apparently that’s the ultimate key to weight loss.
I’d like nothing more than to shout from the mountain tops how utterly upset and heart broken I am. But I cannot. Because what if he hears my shouts? How crushed will I feel when I realize that he not only doesn’t care how utterly upset and heartbroken I am, he couldn’t be any better? What will I say to those who ask me what’s wrong? There is nothing I can say that will make any sense. Nothing makes sense. Because I have no right to be upset… right? He wasn’t mine. It was all so temporary. But here’s what he doesn’t get. Here’s what no one gets. The littlest things are the biggest things. Those whispered compliments meant the word and he shouldn’t be allowed to take them back with a few simple words. He is doing fine but my heart is breaking. What am I supposed to do? I want to shout and scream but I must remain mum as my heart shatters to pieces in my chest.
I forgot what it felt like to be liked. I forgot how it felt to wake up and think ‘he just might be thinking about me right now’ and praying he’d see me in the halls and say hi. I forgot how it felt to rush home and whip my laptop open to see if he’s attempted to contact me. I forgot about that light, bubbly feeling I got anytime he said something sweet. And it seems that in the brief period of time that I had spent relieving these feelings I also forgot how it felt to not feel that way. I forgot how it felt to wake up and realizing that the only reason why I’m getting up is because I have to. I forgot what it felt like to stare at the screen and waiting for him to text, email, call. telegraph, something. I forgot how empty I felt when I realized that he wouldn’t text or call because he wasn’t thinking of me. I have now become reacquainted with these feelings. I forgot how much it hurt.
And he looked at me with those big, pools of chocolate in his cranium, as I looked into his eyes I found myself falling into those pools of chocolate. And I knew that falling into those pools would be the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. I knew that once I fell, I’d be under his spell. But I let myself fall. And I just fell and fell and fell. But I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream. Because the sweet pain of falling was so much better than it seemed.
And when I saw them together I saw everyone else see them. And everyone else walked around getting hit in the head with pieces of the sky and acted as if nothing was happening. They passed the couple holding each other in a disgustingly cute romantic embrace and kept walking, kept laughing, kept living as if they didn’t notice the sky falling on top of them. As if the world as we knew it wasn’t crumbling. I noticed.